day 1...again

Today I decided to start my new life. I need to take baby steps because it is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I died and cut my hair today...I worked out for the first time in months and I ate decently. I even went out to eat and ate off the healthy menu at the restaurant.

My problem right now is that I'm alone all the time and I hate it. I miss Romi so much and even though I can't bring myself to talk to him anymore because he has been messing around with Haley and breaking my heart all over again, I think about him every day. I miss hugging him and kissing him and having someone around to cuddle with when I was feeling sad. Now I just sit by myself for hours and think about how pathetic my life has become. I had lunch today with an old friend from high school who once egged my house and wrote bitch on my front door. That's how desperate I am. I also heard that Miles and his girlfriend broke up which makes me surprisingly happy inside and somewhat disappointed because I always expected him to call me if he ever broke up with her but what can you do. I had to let go of him a long time ago and bringing him back into my life would be a horrible mistake I'm sure.

Tonight I'm going out with Michael for his 21st birthday and while I'm excited to spend time with him because he is my best friend and we have so much fun together, he wants to start off at Friday's and that's fine, except Romi might be there and I really don't want to see him. I know that my heart will flip in my chest when I see him and I'm just not looking good enough to have to try and look super good when I'm around him. I'm just....the fat girl still and until I can lose some weight...I don't want him to see me. I don't want him to say "that's what I'm definitely not missing" I want him to say "damn...look what I let go."

Whatever...life will bring what it may and I just joined e-harmony and the only person who has responded to me is actually not so great after all. I should have examined his profile a little more closely but oh well, it'd be nice to go on a date and be pampered!

We'll see how tomorrow goes...

and a month goes by....

I have yet to begin my battle with my weight. I always find excuses. Now, I'm single and forced to be the "fat" friend because all of the people I hang out with are skinny without trying. I continue to put on weight and now I'm officially 50 pounds heavier than I was when I started college 4 years ago. I have stretch marks on my arms, legs, butt, hips and pretty much everywhere you can imagine. I have begun shopping in the plus size side because things just aren't fitting me anymore. I'm not comfortable with my body at all and I hope to begin losing weight before summer starts because I do not want to be the fat lifeguard. I like wearing my 2 piece suit and that simply isn't going to happen this year if I look like I do now and weight as much or more than I do now. I need to change my life and hopefully a little break from classes over winter break will give me the push I need to whip myself into shape and start my life in a new direction!

Wish me luck...