officially starting...

So I think I have officially started my weight loss...finally. I'm going to the gym today to sign up and I've also contacted one of my old friends mom's who is a weight loss guru and she is going to help me set up a plan and stick to it. I have also started eating better and I'm not letting myself have any more breadsticks at work and if I do eat there it is only going to be wheat pasta. I am going to eat breakfast everyday and take my vitamins everyday. I want to lose 10 pounds by the 30th, i think I already said that though. I really want this to work because I am sick of being this weight and I'd love to drop a bunch of weight and have Romi see me and see what he is missing. Not that I want to be with him again but I want to prove that I am good looking and a good catch :)

I've been thinking about Miles a lot lately which is not good. I miss him and I've been wondering when or if I'll ever talk to him again. When my brother gets home from Germany I think I'm going to ask for his number and see what happens. I don't want to be annoying or bothersome but now that he is single I need to know that there isn't a chance to at least be friends. I really do believe he is my soul mate and I just can't walk away from a chance to be with him again...even if it is not the smartest move.

Oh well, until tomorrow...

new year...new life

well, a new year has passed and I'm heavier than ever.

I'm single, graduating from college in May and have nothing else to do except work on my weight loss. I miss Miles, and knowing now that he is single, I miss him even more. I would give anything to have him look at me the way he used to. Before I work up the courage to call him, I want to lose at least 10 pounds if not more and by the time the pool starts, I would love to be down 30 pounds. When I don't have a boyfriend I do better with weight loss and sticking to a schedule because no one can mess it up for me except myself so hopefully I get my act together and actually do what I'm talking about! I want to post before and after pictures, hopefully I'll continue losing weight and get down to 160 again but that means I have over 50 pounds to lose and that is a lot of weight...maybe that should be my goal by next new years...to lose 50 pounds!! Sounds good to me. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible but when I have no one in my life really, it's hard. I know I'll find someone someday and I would take Miles back tomorrow if he called me but I don't see that happening so I have to settle for second best, whoever that may be. He is my soul mate and the person I was meant to spend my life with but I messed everything up and I think we got together when we were too young...oh well, I can't go back now, and I can't take back all of these stretchmarks but I can sure try! So, today is the 6th, technically even if it is the wee hours of the morning, but by jan. 30 I want to be down 10 pounds. I don't know my current weight but as soon as I find out I will post it and together, we can lose the weight. I am talking to myself here but that should be motivation enough!

Until next time...

day 1...again

Today I decided to start my new life. I need to take baby steps because it is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I died and cut my hair today...I worked out for the first time in months and I ate decently. I even went out to eat and ate off the healthy menu at the restaurant.

My problem right now is that I'm alone all the time and I hate it. I miss Romi so much and even though I can't bring myself to talk to him anymore because he has been messing around with Haley and breaking my heart all over again, I think about him every day. I miss hugging him and kissing him and having someone around to cuddle with when I was feeling sad. Now I just sit by myself for hours and think about how pathetic my life has become. I had lunch today with an old friend from high school who once egged my house and wrote bitch on my front door. That's how desperate I am. I also heard that Miles and his girlfriend broke up which makes me surprisingly happy inside and somewhat disappointed because I always expected him to call me if he ever broke up with her but what can you do. I had to let go of him a long time ago and bringing him back into my life would be a horrible mistake I'm sure.

Tonight I'm going out with Michael for his 21st birthday and while I'm excited to spend time with him because he is my best friend and we have so much fun together, he wants to start off at Friday's and that's fine, except Romi might be there and I really don't want to see him. I know that my heart will flip in my chest when I see him and I'm just not looking good enough to have to try and look super good when I'm around him. I'm just....the fat girl still and until I can lose some weight...I don't want him to see me. I don't want him to say "that's what I'm definitely not missing" I want him to say "damn...look what I let go."

Whatever...life will bring what it may and I just joined e-harmony and the only person who has responded to me is actually not so great after all. I should have examined his profile a little more closely but oh well, it'd be nice to go on a date and be pampered!

We'll see how tomorrow goes...

and a month goes by....

I have yet to begin my battle with my weight. I always find excuses. Now, I'm single and forced to be the "fat" friend because all of the people I hang out with are skinny without trying. I continue to put on weight and now I'm officially 50 pounds heavier than I was when I started college 4 years ago. I have stretch marks on my arms, legs, butt, hips and pretty much everywhere you can imagine. I have begun shopping in the plus size side because things just aren't fitting me anymore. I'm not comfortable with my body at all and I hope to begin losing weight before summer starts because I do not want to be the fat lifeguard. I like wearing my 2 piece suit and that simply isn't going to happen this year if I look like I do now and weight as much or more than I do now. I need to change my life and hopefully a little break from classes over winter break will give me the push I need to whip myself into shape and start my life in a new direction!

Wish me luck...

already falling behind...

Well as you can see I'm already falling behind. I haven't written in a few days and my eating habits sure have not improved. Let's see if I can remember what I ate...The last time I wrote was...Friday? So Saturday I slept until 11:30, had tacos for lunch, one of my friends came over and we ate some ice cream then after I worked I went out to eat with a co-worker and did not choose the best options. Sunday I woke up a little later again, I can't remember what I ate for breakfast but had chicken dumpling soup for lunch and for dinner had that turkey burger I've been talking about for awhile. Today, I had a banana for breakfast, some apple cran raspberry juice and a chik-fila chicken sandwich for lunch...because it was cheap and for dinner I'm going to 75 cent tacos with some friends. The tacos aren't too terrible and I usually drink water with it so hopefully I'll be able to not eat once I get home.

I still have yet to exercise. The weather has been phenomenal but I'm just too lazy and tired and I do have a pretty bad cold that has made me super exhausted so now I'm just making up excuses. I need to get out and do something but it's just not working. I'm going to apply for a new job at a sports bar in January and I feel like if I lose 10 pounds or more I would have a better show because I'm sure girls who are more attractive will be hired over me. I need to lose weight for my health and my self-esteem. I need help!

Until tomorrow....

end of Day 1

So, today wasn't as successful as it could have been. Immediately following my last post I went to get my turkey burger and discovered it was frozen solid so I guess I'm going to have that tomorrow for lunch. I instead munched on some wheat tortilla chips and guacamole dip and watched two episodes of grey's anatomy instead of taking my dogs for a walk or doing an exercise tape. After work, I had a bite of a cookie, some wheat spaghetti with lite butter and cheese and for dessert I had some homemade applesauce. I guess it's not as horrible as what could have happened but for now, it's not the best start. I guess I do need to start somewhere and when I work I am walking around a lot so I guess that kind of counts as exercise? Maybe tomorrow I'll do a tape or walk the dogs, it is supposed to be nice outside...

Until tomorrow...

Day 1

So, I figure the only way to motivate myself to lose weight is to post it for all to see and be completely honest, otherwise I'm just going to continue on my downward spiral that has led me to where I am today.

I'm not sure how to do this or where to even start because in my mind, I know I need to do this. I know I need to eat better and exercise but life gets in the way sometimes and I want to stop making excuses. Since I have no money and I have to depend on my mom for the food supply in the house, I'll have to make do with what I have.

So far today, I'm not off to a bad start. I just had a bowl of cheerios crunch cereal with milk and that's all so far. But I usually start every day off healthy. I enjoy a nice bowl of cereal in the morning or a banana so that's not the hard part. The hard part is the rest of my day. I usually end up munching on some chips that we have in the house but they are baked so I tell myself they aren't terrible. Then before I leave I have some candy or some frozen cookie dough because it's a quick treat. Then when I get to work (I work at Olive Garden) I don't want to eat anything until I go on break and have 20 minutes where I can get a bowl of soup, salad and breadsticks for under $5.00 with my employee discount so that seems easier than waking up a little earlier and packing a healthier lunch for myself.

Then when I get home I'm tired and crabby and don't want to make myself food so I go out. I either go eat with my boyfriend at his work (TGI Fridays) or I go to McDonald's. All of it is horrible and writing it down makes it sound even worse.

I only have 2 pairs of jeans left that I can fit into. I'm pretty sure over the past year I've put on between 20-30 pounds which is my most dramatic weight increase ever. I hate my body, I hate myself for doing this but I can't seem to stop. I'd rather sit on the couch, relax and watch a movie than take my dogs for a walk or do one of the many workout videos I have at my house. I don't know how to stop and I don't know where to start but I'm going to try and write everyday, I'm kind of hoping no one will read this but because it's on the internet I'm sure someone will eventually. I will post before and after pictures...I hope the after happens though. Today for lunch I'm going to make myself a turkey burger and have a small handful of wheat tortilla chips with guacamole dip. I hope that's not too horrible but we'll see how the rest of the day goes. I do have to work tonight and I do hate my job so I'm sure when I get home I'll eat something horrible but I'm going to try my hardest not to.

For the record, my goal weight is 155 and right now I'm not sure exactly but I'm probably hovering around 210 or so. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning because that will be the best determinant of my real weight.

Until tomorrow...